In my feelings…

It has to be the most wonderful thing to be wanted by someone and then it hurts to be played later on. I swear when I’m “open” for a dude I’m extremely on cloud nine and when the “rejection” happens its like a ton of bricks hitting you all at once. I was going ape earlier this morning over a dude and had to have a reality check conversation with my baby brother bout my sudden infatuation with this particular dude. First off, I haven’t gone crazy for a dude in a while (circa 2007) and funny how I WOULD all of sudden now act like I didn’t seen signs knowing that it wasn’t worth it from jump! We as woman want to be “wanted” , heard, spoken of, thought of I could go on but why! My head HAS been blown and no not in a happy way currently. I felt like I was sixteen again crazy in love and yet there was no love being shown by the other party. I must say never lose your integrity over a man, most of all don’t lose your integrity period. A broken person can’t appreciate the happiness you already have inside so they will make you FEEL broken too.

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Enough!

I currently reside in my parents home and one thing I’ve realized is that I have got to get the hell out of here! Haha I’m laughing because its true! Every time my mother is upset with something or someone, she takes it out on a me or someone at the current moment who is around her. She is never wrong and she feels she is always right . I’m starting to believe she has a problem mentally that she is in constant denial of her flaws. I am currently setting a goal to afford a house and so far its moving along but theres much work to be done. I just want to say I’ve had enough! Lord help!

Starting from the Bottom (This ain’t no Drake Song either)©

I don’t believe this life is for me? I have been through things others don’t think a woman like me could have gone through thus far.
You probably are wondering what that could be? I am currently homeless, but in laments terms I’m in between housing. I have not had stable living since I was kicked out of my home of birth at the age of 19. I lived in Boston, MA for 5 years before coming back to the Big Apple aka NYC.
I’ve been praying, thinking, crying, writing etc… The stress, sadness and inability to stabilize oneself is utter embarrassment to myself and to my children. This is just a taste of what my life is like in real life, but I don’t give up. I continue to make something happen and believe that God will make a way. I tell myself that but I need to believe and be patient.

Coney Island x Cotton Candy

I don’t know what it is about cotton candy but I feel like a little girl swinging her feet to and fro on a swing as the sticky sweetness takes over my fingers and becomes sharp sweet melted rocks in my mouth. Today my sudden freedom for the weekend lead me to Coney Island. I enjoyed the boardwalk full of people from all parts of the globe. I also witness a mother become frantic once she realized her child was missing near Luna Park. I stood there feeling helpless, because what can I do,  how can I help? I said a quick prayer for the mother and made my way on down the boardwalk. I noticed how nostalgic is was to be on such a piece of history.

Welcome to Brooklyn…

The sad thing about gentrification are the ideals, judgements and misconceptions people have of other races. I watched tonight on the C train as a Caucasian couple tight themselves together when an African American male entered the train car hustling nutcrackers (alcohol), bootleg DVDs, and cigarettes (Lucys). The Caucasian male tightened his grip on his woman’s knee and began to caress her more, showering her with affection. It’s as if the guys hustler mentality intimated, disrupted and offended their nice little train ride home. As the remainder of the train car laughed and appreciated his hustle, this couple stared on with concerned  skepticism.  When the train approached my stop, I exited the train and utter toward the couple “Welcome to Brooklyn”.